11.30.2006

Piles, Perfume, and Parties

Overheard:

"You seem to really have your life pulled together."

"Oh, I don't know. I guess it has gotten better recently. I mean, I used to be a complete and total mess. Now, at least, it is in a pile."

**********
Can we STOP already with the celebrity fragrances?

Britney Spears, J-Lo, Mariah Carey and even David Hasselhoff are hawking their special scents to the masses. Sorry, but I don't want to stink like some half-famous has-been.

However, I do know a certain somebody who will be getting the new H2 cologne in his stocking from Santa this Christmas.



**********
Happy Birthday to two very special people!

Preston Burke, who was born yesterday, November 29, and weighed in at 11 pounds, 12 ounces, to Ron and Heather Brown! Congratulations!

And, of course, to Party Girl Paula! Don't worry... The party's just getting started around here! And, it looks like you'll be getting your birthday wish of snow today! It took some arm twisting, but I think Dave talked Mother Nature into it.

11.28.2006

For those without a chimney...

As I was browsing through the local Bed, Bath and Beyond store over the holiday weekend, I saw a television with a crackling fire atop some other merchandise.



Not quite sure what it was all about, I looked a bit closer.



That's right! For $9.99, you can buy the "Radiant Fireplace 2" DVD.

I remember being very concerned as a young child that Santa would be unable to get into my house because we did not have a fireplace or a chimney. With the "Radiant Fireplace 2" DVD, children all over the world can have the peace of mind of knowing that Santa can get into the house through the cable wires!

**********

On another note, can somebody please explain to me why the fact that Britney Spears and Paris Hilton are now "BFF's" is important enough to be national news? This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I had to endure an update on how Brit and Paris are practically inseparable.

Great. They were already hootchies. Now, they are like hootchies-squared.

And shouldn't Britney be home watching her children? What a joke!

(I should be ashamed of myself... the fact that I am even posting this is simply fueling the fire of the public's infatuation with people who are famous for no reason...)

11.24.2006

Christmas Shopping List

TO BUY, WRAP, and GIVE:

And then, my shopping will be done!

**Hey, that's funny... I don't care who you are! (Love you guys!!!)

11.22.2006

Happy Thanksgiving!

Okay, okay... This has nothing to do with Thanksgiving... But it is pretty freakin' funny anyway.


Have a wonderful holiday weekend!

(Oh, and just a little teaser... I'm pretty excited about my next blog entry. Be sure to check back either late Thursday night or Friday morning for it!!!)

11.21.2006

It is the little things in life...

I don't care who you are... Anytime someone has taken the time to move the letters on one of those signs to write something that is somewhat taboo, it has to make you smile.


A note from the custodian at work. Should I be worried that he is trying to hit on me?


And what beats a soy sauce poodle?


Remember to smile! Life goes by too fast to spend it unhappy.

11.17.2006

Instruments of Torture

We live in a masochistic society.

In a world where fairy tales tell us that live happily ever after, we still question something that is "too good to be true." Pain makes us feel like we are alive. And, we inflict much of this torture upon ourselves.

For example, look at these tweezers. They are used to grasp and yank tiny hairs from their follicles, for the sake of a perfectly arched eyebrow. Rather drastic measures for a relatively minor asthetic result.


Using Visine is the equivalent of Chinese water torture. Lean back, open your eye as wide as possible and wait... wait... wait... for the drop to finally decide to drop onto your eye. The chemicals in the drop can cause stinging, the shock from the attack causes eyes to water.


Eyelash curlers just look menacing. Why would I want to put these anywhere near my eyes? Yet, we use these to twist our eyelashes into a shape they naturally are not, making sure to pinch the surrounding tender skin in the process.


In case that isn't enough, why don't we take hot wax, smear it onto our skin, and then tear it off along with any hair that becomes trapped underneath. Sounds like a pretty good device to get a captive to talk.


The last items I'll bring up are the lights that surround vanity tables. Think of a detective interrogating a criminal in a dark room with nothing but a spotlight shining into the sweaty face of the suspected. Or, for those of you with a little more geek in you, Picard when he was captured by the Cardassians and tortured...

"THERE... ARE... FOUR... LIGHTS!!!"


I guess going through all of these on a regular basis is good in case we are ever captured and forced to endure these agonies. I guess it is like they say: "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger."

11.15.2006

SPAMalot in Camelot!

"You must find a shrubbery!!!"

"I fahrt in your zhenerail die-rectshon!"

"'Tis only a flesh wound!"

"Perhaps it was an African swallow..."

"I'm not dead yet!"


Okay, I think I've gotten that out of my system. I saw Monty Python's SPAMalot over the weekend and it was everything I expected it to be. It had all the fabulous (quirky) quotes from the original MP & The Holy Grail plus some pretty funny additional scenes. I highly recommend it to any Monty Python fan.

Outside the theater, there was a bonus:










That's right... THE SPAMMOBILE!

They were actually handing out free samples of SPAM!

While we're on the topic of SPAM (which we are) here is a labeled diagram of a can of SPAM.


And, a list of the best uses for SPAM (other than eating it, of course):
  • Makes a good decoy for those annoying dogs that follow you around whenever you escape.
  • The oil from just one can can generate enough electricity to liposuck the fat from the asscheek of a Californian.
  • 10,000 sundried Spam blocks + a little drywall mud = a new brick veneer finish for the old double wide.
  • Stuff into underwear for instant Bridget Jones costume.
  • The high oil content makes it an excellent suntanning product that doubles as a tasty beach treat.
  • Handy sink stopper.
  • Can be carved into very attractive lawn sculptures.
  • Set two or three slices side by side: instant mouse pad!

11.13.2006

Merry Christmas to Me!

As I was cleaning the other day, I came across some old cards and stuff that I have been storing in a neat pile on top of my dresser.

Look what I found!



Six gift cards left over from last Christmas!! (2 St. Louis Bread Company cards, 1 for a local coffee shop, $25 card for Barnes and Noble, $10 card for Blockbuster, and a $50 card for JC Penney's!)

I put them in my purse with the hope that I would remember to spend them. Yesterday, I was able to get Bread Co. for breakfast for free! I don't remember who bought me the card, but thanks! It came in handy!

I guess the next thing I need to do is get the gift bag of birthday presents that has been over at Dave's house since last April and see if there are any cards or cash in there, too!

100th Post

This is my 100th post! (Well, that is, discounting the several posts that I've saved as drafts and then never published.)

Most of my visitors are you, my loyal readers (haha), but some are from Internet searches from random people around the globe. I would have to say that my blog is typically pretty PG-rated, bordering on PG-13, so I don't get a lot of hits from these searches, like for "nubile nymphs" or "XXX Flintstone cartoons." (Although maybe now I'll start getting hits for those search terms!)

Here are a few of the searches that have led people to The Lemonade Stand:

"Squirrel Hunting with Grandpa"

"Buy Mike's Hard Frozen Lemonade in Maryland"

"Van de Camp Beenie Weenie"

"Not your Grandma's Lemonade Stand"

"Cheez Its + Ingredients List"

"T-Burn Combo"


There are some others, but I'm sure you're probably bored by now. The list is rather random, but what else would you expect?

11.09.2006

So Happy It's Thursday


What a great name for a place for happy hour!

************

Here's an equation for you:

TWO GEEKS


PLUS


EQUALS


Dr. Mike and Dave reliving the band camp days?


Yes, this was our Wednesday night... into the wee hours of Thursday morning.

What have Paula and I gotten ourselves into?

P.S. Would you like to have Shreks with me?

11.08.2006

One more political ad...

This clip is only 38 seconds long and I promise that it will make you laugh!

Hooray for the elections finally being over!


11.07.2006

Watching the returns...

So, Dave's down in Jeff City celebrating his brother's birthday... (Happy Birthday, Ron!)

My Tuesday night included cleaning my apartment, ordering a pizza, surfing the net, and watching the election returns on The Daily Show's "Midterm Midtacular."



Don't tell Dave about the pizza, okay? But, I didn't have any food in
my fridge!

Gotta love the square beyond compare!

Election Day...

Normally, I simply "select all" and "delete" the messages from my junk e-mail box. Today, as I scrolled through the list of senders, I noticed that I had a message from none other than President George W. Bush!

"Laura and I urge you to vote Republican and to ask all your family and friends to go to the polls. The stakes are too high for you to stay at home."

As I scrolled a little further, another message caught my eye. This one was from President Bill Clinton.

"We need every Democrat, every volunteer, and every vote. Because when the stakes are this high, we can't be satisfied with merely being right. We have to win."

Apparently, the stakes are high during this election.

I had several other e-mails regarding the election, too:

"The President is committed to winning Republican victories at all levels and we are criss-crossing the country campaigning for GOP candidates and spreading our message. But with precious little time remaining, our President needs your help today, too." ~Laura Bush

"America wants change. We want an end to the disgraceful lies and the astonishing incompetence. We want a government that won't sell out our children's future to enrich the wealthy and the well-connected." ~Senator Chuck Schumer

"Same-sex marriage was legalized by the Massachusetts state Supreme Court in 2004. Please join with us in our fight to insure that more children are raised in a home with a mother and a father!" ~Matt Daniels, President of Alliance for Marriage

"Your vote and your support are critical and very well might make the difference between a Senate that continues to make America safer and stronger - and a Senate run by Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy and their liberal special interests." ~Senator Jim Talent


I'm not sure how I became so lucky to get on all of the mailing lists from both of the major political parties in the U.S., but reading their e-mails today is too little, too late for my vote. I voted absentee yesterday.


*************
Warning: If you are easily offended or
extremely close-minded in terms of political issues,
do not read further!

************

On another note of the political nature...

Today Missouri is voting on Amendment 2, which is in regard to stem cell research. This amendment has made national news with the advertisements in the state for and against the measure with Michael J. Fox supporting it, Rush Limbaugh bashing him for doing so, and Kurt Warner and Jeff Suppan participating in a rebuttal ad.

Many of the people who are voting on Amendment 2, both for and against it, are extremely ill-informed about what the measure actually means.

I find it extremely disheartening that the American public does not take the time to find out the facts about the issues before making a vote. Much of the religious right is against Amendment 2, citing their opposition to abortion. The truth is that stem cell research and abortion are unrelated in terms of this amendment. Also, the amendment is simply providing specific regulations and provisions for stem cell research that is already protected under federal law.

But, my guess would be that most people did not take the time to actually read the amendment. It is pretty clear about the issues that people are trying to muddy.

My guess is that Amendment 2 will not pass, because as a friend so accurately said, "Missouri is just as backwards as Kansas."


***************

By the way... If you don't vote, I am prohibiting you to comment on this post. Because if you don't take the time to get your ass out and vote, then you are actively giving up your right to have an opinion.


EDIT: MISSOURI IS NOT AS BACKWARDS AS KANSAS! THE STEM CELL INITIATIVE PASSED BY A SMALL MARGIN, BUT ENOUGH TO GET THE AMENDMENT ON THE BOOKS. WHO KNEW???

The States I've Visited

11.05.2006

Karaoke for Dummies

Earlier this evening, I was requested to share my expertise in the field of karaoke singing. As an experienced karaoke singer (my first solo performance was when I was in fourth grade), there are a few tips that I can share so that you, too, can reach your karaoke-ing potential.


Tip #1: Know your range.

The number one mistake that the novice karaoke singer makes is choosing a song that is either too high/low for his or her voice. There are many good singers out there who see their hopes for success on the karaoke stage dashed when they choose a song that is out of their range and it is not well received by the audience. For example, I would never sing a song by Mariah - I'm an alto, and that's all there is to it. I try to stick with Lauryn Hill, etc.


Tip #2: What song should I sing?

For most typical karaoke bars, you are going to want a fun, upbeat, easy-to-sing-along-with song. Stay away from Celine. Even if you can sing "My Heart Will Go On" with perfect pitch, nobody wants to sit in a dark bar drinking Bud Light and smoking a cigarette while you croon away on stage.

Some songs that are always safe: "I Will Survive," "Piano Man," "I Love Rock 'n' Roll," and "Sail Away."


Tip #3: What genre of music is best?

Some genres lend themselves easily to karaoke: Old school rock & roll and country songs are usually the best. People are familiar with the songs and they are typically easy to sing along with. In general, stay away from rap and/or hard alternative.


Tip #4: Choose a song you know!

When you are choosing a song to sing, choose a song you know. I know that sounds crazy, but if you only know the chorus of a song, that probably isn't the best choice for you. You don't have to know every single word, but it is important to know the basic melody from beginning to end.


Tip #5: Strategies to signing up for songs.

The hardest part of going out to sing karaoke is waiting for your turn to sing. Most good karaoke DJ's will allow you to turn in multiple songs at a time and will just put them into rotation with the other singers. If you aren't sure what songs you are going to want to sing, at least try to have another slip of paper ready to hand to the DJ when you go up for your song so that when you are finished singing one song, you already have at least one in again.

(Note: Back in my hardcore karaoke addiction days, the DJ at my favorite karaoke bar actually had a little filing box and the "regulars" could just keep slips with their favorite songs in the box. That way, we could just pull out the song we wanted to sing instead of having to fill out a new slip each night we wanted to sing that particular song.)


Tip #6: Do I do a duet?

Duets are fine, but the rule of knowing the song you are going to sing applies here, too. Do not allow somebody to talk you into singing a duet if you don't know the song. It ends up just being painful for everyone involved, especially when it is a song that never ends like "Paradise by the Dashboard Lights."


Tip #7: How to correctly position the microphone.

Seems like it would be obvious, but the whole point of karaoke-ing is having the audience hear you. First of all, don't leave it in the stand. It is vital to hold the microphone very close to your mouth. Hold that mic like Paris Hilton auditioning for Deep Throat 16.


Tip #8: Make use of the instrumental breaks.

Nobody wants to feel like a dumbass just standing on stage during the song's instrumental break. While "Free Bird" may give you enough time to go up to the bar, get another beer, sign up for your next song, smoke a cigarette, and try to pick up that hot guy/girl who just asked you to sing a duet, most songs will not. Carry your drink or cigarette on stage with you so that you have something you keep you busy during the break.

Another option that is always a winner with the crowd at the bar is if you are willing to break out a few dance moves (think Napoleon Dynamite) up on stage. Don't take yourself too seriously. Get up there and have fun. Realize that there is no agent out in the audience waiting to discover new talent. Whether it is some classic disco dancing or the Running Man, it takes the pressure off you to have perfect vocals and keeps you from standing on stage like a deer in the headlights.


Tip #9: Correct timing of songs.

Some songs that are always crowd favorites need to wait until the crowd is sufficiently lubricated with alcohol to truly appreciate the humor in them. For example, "I Touch Myself" and "Piece of Shit Car" are usually best reserved for the last hour and a half or so that the bar is open. I usually only sing my trademark song, "The Pussycat Song," as one of the final few songs of the night, when only the real drinkers are still around the bar.


Tip #10: Sing like you're singing in the shower.

If you are going to get up on stage and sing some karaoke, you gotta be willing to go for it. Sing like you've never sung before! There is nothing worse than a meek karaoke singer. Then, when you're walking back to your bar stool, soak in the compliments from your friends and random strangers who are all thoroughly impressed with your mad karaoke skills.

11.04.2006

How many of me???

~There are 97,490 people in the U.S. with the name of Violet.
~Statistically, Violet is the 530th most popular first name. (tied with 6 other first names)

HowManyOfMe.com
Logo

There are:
3
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

11.03.2006

Caption Contest...



Winner to receive (obviously) a case of beer.

11.01.2006

Life's Lessons from "The Price Is Right"***

"The Price is Right" has been on television longer than I've been alive. Bob Barker has been giving away cars and vacations, asking his beauties to bring out the next prize, and giving people the chance to 'come on down' since before my parents had even met each other.

And now, Bob Barker has made the announcement that he is going to retire. But he will be remembered long after his show is no longer airing.


All of our lives have been touched by Bob and "The Price is Right." We've grown up watching TPIR and have learned many lessons from it. My favorite thing about summer vacation and being sick during the school year was knowing that I could watch TPIR at 11:00 a.m. Here are some of the things that I learned over the years:

Age Four: The louder and more obnoxious you are, the more likely you are to get attention. While I was at my babysitter's house, I would watch the people scream and jump up and down - they were always the people whose names were called.

Age Seven: You should always help to control the pet population by having your pet spayed or neutered. This is also the age when my parents gave away our pet dog because he impregnated the neighbor's dog. Fido just couldn't keep it in his pants.

Age Ten: Math is actually a valuable skill in the real world. You never know when you're going to be asked to figure out multiples of the price of Metamucil to equal between $11.50 and $13.00.

Age Thirteen: The ideal life is to be a Barker Beauty. The Beauties always had beautifully manicured nails and perfectly poofed hair. What a great job to be paid to walk around holding watches and gesturing toward armoires. (Although, honestly, Vanna is the one who has it made. But, apparently, that bitch isn't going anywhere...)

Age Fifteen: Geography is also a valuable skill. It will help you to esimate the cost of your Showcase Showdown exotic vacations to Spain, Hawaii, and Calgary.

Age Sixteen: You have to have a sense of humor about yourself. Although this is not a lesson learned from TPIR directly, when Bob Barker made his appearance on Adam Sandler's "Happy Gilmore" it showed that he can laugh at himself. Very fun.

Age Seventeen: College is all about matching t-shirts.

Age Twenty: The winner is always the person who bids the closest without going over. This comes in handy when going to the casino (Blackjack) and making bets on sporting events (like the one I won last week). The person who goes over the top, loses. [This theory also applies to some dating: The person who bids the least for the relationship is in control.]

Age Twenty-five: Life is hard. And when you get old, you can't spin the wheel all the way around without help. That sucks.



Thank you, Bob, for your years of wisdom that you've shared. Many of us have been changed for good.

***Although Dave also posted about Bob Barker's retirement today, he did not even have the idea to bring it up in a blog until I mentioned it to him this morning as my blog topic for the day. That's the thing about men - you just can't trust them!