1.04.2007

Self-Checkout Mile

One of the greatest inventions since the ATM is the "Self-Checkout Aisle" that many grocery stores have begun installing for better and faster customer service.

I love the idea. I've got a couple of things to buy, all the rest of the aisles are backed up, and I don't want to have to try to make small talk with some sullen checker chick who'd rather be banging her tatooed up boyfriend in the back of his beat-up Cavalier.

Here's the problem: Too many people now have the idea that they have the right to use the self-checkout aisle.

I hate to break it to the masses, but these aisles are meant for speed. They are not a privilege for every wannabe Wal-Mart employee to try out their cashiering skills.

Here a list of disqualifications I've developed to curtail the abuse of the self-checkout system.

If you:

- Have too many items to qualify for the "Express Checkout Lane"

- Have any coupons to use for your purchase (If you want to save 30 cents on the Dawn dish soap you are buying, you need to wait the extra minute to have an actual cashier ring you out. Sorry.)

- Would like to pay for you purchase with exact change (Actually, if you are paying with cash you are limited to putting one bill into the little sucker thingy. And don't even attempt to use an old, decrepit bill. You must have a fresh bill that will be accepted easily.)

- Have a credit card that is going to be declined for the amount of your puchase (I actually saw a person go through 2 credit cards before the third one was accepted! Hello, do you really need to be buying the "Jackass 2" DVD if you have maxed out credit cards?)

- Don't know how to use the Internet or get e-mail (This is a highly technological process here, folks! If you can't work a PC, don't mess around with this piece of equipment!)

- Have more than one child in the cart (How are you going to keep little Suzy and Johnny's grubby hands from grabbing all the candy while you are trying to scan your tampons and cat litter?)

...then you may NOT use the Self Checkout Aisle.


Basically, I just need one of these aisles reserved for me at all times. Screw you guys! I'm in a hurry, here!

12 comments:

Fantastagirl said...

You wont be catching me in that aisle... Every single time I go to wal-mart - I grab the one item that is not in the computer...

Dave Morris said...

To weed out the morons, they should program the self-checkout machines with the personality of the guy on Silence of the Lambs...

"It puts the item in the bag or it gets the hose again."

I got nothin'...

Uncle Mikey said...

i trust the self checkout lanes more now, the first few times i tried one, they failed miserably... i use the one at shop-n-save sometimes, the only issue i have is the little girl has to okay the beer purchase, but it usually goes pretty smooth.
i try to do all my shopping between 10 and midnight, so i usually just walk up to an open line with a real person, who has all the fruit and veggie codes memorized... not that i'm buying veggies, i'm just sayin...

mckay said...

i hate the idea of those lanes. i am a customer not an employee! i've used the self check out at home depot and they just piss me off.

either give me a discount or a paycheck for using the dang thing.

the only self check i wanna do is my breast exam
;0)

Mr. Fabulous said...

They ought to have a machine that scans for your IQ prior to using the self-checkout. If you don't measure up, you can't use it.

Paula said...

I'm so with you on this one. It's always at Walmart that you get the dumbass that can't figure out how to scan her shit. There are longer lines at the self check out then there are at the regular checkout.

Blogarita said...

I'm kinda with Mckay, only with a different twist. I feel like, if I'm using self-checkout, that's one less job (and paycheck) for somebody who might really need it...even if it is only a min. wage job at Wal-Mart.

mckay said...

bingo, blogarita! excellent point.

mckay said...

violet, i have to say this is a great post. it gets people all excited and commenting. kinda like religion or politics w/o the name calling.

i have to return a garden hose at home depot and then shop a bit. i'll use the self check lane in your honor :0)

Mom of Three said...

I'm totally with McKay and Blogarita. Those lanes are there for one reason: they don't demand a check and they don't need medical benefits. I boycott them in support of the workers at the store.

LBseahag said...

Grrr....I hate those self serve cashiers I ave seen them in Orange County.....cheap bastards don't want to pay for someone good to run the register...instead..."let those damn schmuck customers bad their own shit..."


I am even mad at fast food restaurants for making me get my own soda...

Dr. Mike said...

haha. She said, "tampons" and "cat litter" in one sentence..