@$$

Life is all about ASS...

You are either:
Laughing it off,
Kicking it,
Kissing it,
Busting it,
Trying to get a piece of it,
Or behaving like one.

Mmm... Jelly Beans

You Are a Strawberry Jelly Bean

You love yourself for who you are, critics be damned! You know you don't have to take risks to make life more interesting. It's good enough as is.

What Flavor Jelly Bean Are You?

I apologize for my negligence in keeping up with my blog and also for reading and commenting on everybody else's. Life has been a little crazy lately. Thanks for understanding! Hopefully, I'll be back into the swing of things soon.

Giant Woodpecker

Pharmacology

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic nameof Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix,and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally "pour himself a stiff one." Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Snakes on a Plane

Here's a great idea for a movie a friend came up with at lunch today!!! It is called "Snakes on a Plane."

This is kind of how it goes...

There are these snakes.

And they're on this plane, right?

And the deal is that they're totally screwed because they are on this plane.

The flight attendant comes on and tells them how to buckle their seatbelts, but they can't do it, because they don't have any hands.

Later on, they order a beverage during the refreshment service, but they can't get the can open.

Once the tension builds and everything, the plane hits some heavy turbulence and the snakes totally freak out. Those little oxygen masks fall down from the ceiling, but they are totally screwed... The snakes have no way of securing them to their faces.

I think it has the makings of a blockbuster hit all over it.... What do you think?

You may not be able to stop the rain, but at least sometimes you can put up an umbrella.

Hellbent on saving the Hellbender!

The Ozark Hellbender is in trouble...

The St. Louis Zoo is doing what it can to help this slug-like salamander. But, it seems to many people that the Hellbender has too many obstacles to overcome.

The first enemy forcing this species onto the endangered species list is the dreaded chytrid (pronounced ky-trid) fungus. This fungus has been running rampant in the Hellbender's habitats. It is an African fungus (don't ask me how it got here!) and whenever it arrives in an area, it kills 80% of the amphibians in the area within one year.

In addition to the problems of humans destroying the habitats of the Hellbender, there is one other small problem.

Birth control.

Yep, that's right. Birth control. Apparently, women take birth control. Then, they go floating, swimming, whatever in the rivers and lakes where the Hellbender live. Usually drinking as they do this, eventually the women need to urinate. They do so in the water. The hormones from the birth control are then deposited along with the pee into the water. This in turn gets causes the Hellbender to have an imbalance in hormones, causing them to be unable to reproduce.

So what is the solution to this problem? Port-a-potties along the river? People wouldn't use them anyway. Not allowing women who want to swim in the (already contaminated) waters of Missouri to take birth control? Please, not that! Many of these women do not need to be reproducing.

Looks like the Ozark Hellbender has a long road to travel before making it off the endangered species list.

"Rumor Has It"

I just finished watching the movie "Rumor Has It" with Jennifer Aniston and Kevin Costner. I actually really liked the movie.

Except for the last two minutes.

Without giving the whole story line, it goes something like this: Girl meets Boy. Girl and Boy get engaged. Boy catches Girl liplocked with another Guy. Girl beats herself up and realizes the err of her ways. Boy takes Girl back.

BULLSHIT!!!

Perhaps it is just kind of where I am in my life right now, but I am so sick of Hollywood feeding us "happy endings." That just isn't the way life goes 90% of the time. Why ruin a perfectly good movie with a totally unrealistic ending?

Save the happy endings for the $5 bonus at the massage parlor.

Ig-pay Atin-Lay

If a child were brought up in a home and only taught to speak Pig Latin, would she qualify for ESOL classes when she reached school age? Could her parents be charged with any type of neglect or abuse for that?

It is a long story...

Little Miss Sunshine

So, Sunday, I finally got my butt out of my apartment for the first time since I'd gotten home from work on Thursday night and did something (relatively) productive.

I went and saw the movie "Little Miss Sunshine" starring Greg Kinnear and Steve Carell.

First of all, I had to go to one of those indie theaters, since this movie is not (yet) released in all the major studios. This led to some interesting people watching at 12:45 p.m. on a Sunday afternoon. The crowd was mostly comprised of elderly women, gay men, and "hippie" couples. I was alone and I guess I fit into the hippie column better than any of the others. And, I mean, I was wearing my hair braided into pigtails with a bandana....

The hippie couple in front of me was rather disgusting. They were way to freakin' cute, both with their thick, plastic-rimmed glasses. The guy looked kind of like a young Tom Hanks (think "Big") with that goofy hair kind of puffed up and swooped to one side. The girl was wearing a long skirt and had hair halfway down her back. They kept whispering to each other and giving little kisses... I really wasn't in the mood.

Behind me, I had three 65+ year old women. All I learned about these women is that one of them recently got a puppy. And she is working to potty-train the puppy. And all she has to say is "[Insert dog's name] need to go pee-pee?" and he is such a good boy and goes right to the back door. I also heard all about his walk schedule, how far they walk, how long she leaves him at home by himself, and how often he makes a bowel movement.

To the left of the old women behind me was a loud laugher. You know the type - the people who laugh so loudly, at appropriate and inappropriate times, that all you want to do is turn around and smack them because every time they laugh, you lose focus on what is even supposed to be funny in the movie. It wasn't the worst I've ever heard, though.

Anyway, the movie was absolutely fabulous. I am not going to go into too many details about it because I don't want to ruin it for anyone. I do, however, want to highly suggest that every person make an effort to go see this movie as soon as possible.

It is uplifting, but not in a cheesy, "It's a Wonderful Life" type of way. It has a great message about being true to yourself and about family and about living life to the fullest, but it isn't preachy or predictable. It accomplishes the task of being real, which I feel so many films these days lack.

Check it out, ASAP!

Edit: Blogger is pissing me off today! I can't get the link to work - If you want to go to the movie website, go to www.littlemisssunshine.com. I can't get it to load a picture, either, so you'll just have to search on Goodle Images on your own for that. Effing Blogger!

Dane Cook: Thoughts on Nesquick

How can anybody not love Dane Cook? This animation only adds to the fun.

Saturday Night

How often in our lives do we actually show people our true selves? How often do we open up and allow another human to know our secrets, our fears, our goals? How often do we find somebody that we can truly trust?

And what do we do when we find that the person to whom we've given ourself no longer chooses to be in that role?

How long does it take us to heal? To realize that perhaps there is somebody else in the world who might be willing to take the understudy position and that we may not have any other choice but to cast that person? Because our first choice got tired of saying all the lines we wanted to hear...

How long does it take to realize that we, ourselves, may end up being somebody else's second best?

Nothing to blog...

I'm kind of caught up in some personal stuff right now and my veritable fount of ideas for blogging (haha... that's sarcasm, folks) seems to have dried up like roadkill in the middle of the August sun.

Anyway, here's a list of rhetorical questions to give you something to ponder. I can't take credit for coming up with them, (give credit where credit is due) but I think you'll find them rather humorous.

- If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

- If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

- If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

- Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through bank machines?

- How did a fool and his money GET together?

- How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

- If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

- What's another word for thesaurus?

- Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

- What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

- Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?

- How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

- When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

- Does fuzzy logic tickle?

- Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

- Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

- Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

- Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

The Fresh-maker

I wish I had more time on my hands....

Because you know you don't have anything better to do....

Advanced Global Personality Test Results Extraversion 76% Stability 43% Orderliness 36% Accommodation 56% Interdependence 36% Intellectual 76% Mystical 50% Artistic 76% Religious 23% Hedonism 76% Materialism 70% Narcissism 63% Adventurousness 90% Work ethic 76% Self absorbed 30% Conflict seeking 70% Need to dominate 63% Romantic 43% Avoidant 76% Anti-authority 70% Wealth 30% Dependency 50% Change averse 30% Cautiousness 23% Individuality 56% Sexuality 70% Peter pan complex 50% Physical security 83% Physical Fitness 44% Histrionic 70% Paranoia 70% Vanity 50% Hypersensitivity 63% Female cliche 56%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Top Twenty Oxymorons

20. Government Organization
19. Alone Together
18. Personal Computer
17. Silent Scream
16. Living Dead
15. Same Difference
14. Taped Live
13. Plastic Glasses
12. Tight Slacks
11. Peace Force
10. Pretty Ugly
9. Head Butt
8. Working Vacation
7. Tax Return
6. Virtual Reality
5. Dodge Ram
4. Work Party
3. Jumbo Shrimp
2. Healthy Tan
1. Microsoft Works

There are times in our lives
When we think the world
Could never shock us again

We think we’ve endured every
Heartbreak
Ending
Sadness
Hurt
Resentment

Then comes another
Without forewarning
At full force
Into the hallow of our soul

We reel
We have no choice but
To wait

“This too shall pass”

Without the lowest of lows
Would we recognize the highs?

New Job = Long Commute = Way Too Much Time to Think

Word of the Day: Flusterated. (Actually heard used in a presentation this morning.)

Statistic: The average number of sexual partners a woman has in her life is three. For a man, it is eight. Somewhere between five and ninety-nine of those women are lying.

Decals: You know those decals that people put on their cars with the little Calvin character pissing on "fill-in-the-blank"? The other day I saw a car with Calvin taking a whizz on the word "Terrorists." Does anybody else find this slightly ironic? I mean, isn't the naughty look mischievous Calvin gives over his shoulder in its own way showing that he knows his behavior is a minor form of terrorism? Making people not want to buy "fill-in-the-blank" because if you do, he's going to pee on it?

Advice: When beginning a family, parents should never allow themselves to be outnumbered by their own offspring. Child rearing should always be maintained with man-to-man coverage.


Street Names: A recent visitor to the area had a fun time learning his way around town. His favorite roadways: Duchesne and Upper Bottom.

Question: What is the story with the crying? I used to pride myself on the fact that I never cried. However, the smallest things have the ability to get me all teary-eyed these days. (And it isn't PMS, I swear.) For example, I was listening to the radio the other day and heard an advertisement from AmerenUE talking about its response to the recent power outages. It mentioned a man who had passed away while working to restore electricity. I got all choked up and had to blink back tears as I drove down the road. I need to get a freakin' grip!

Photo: Check out this hottie! Doesn't it make you wonder what you would see if you really did look in his window?